The author's reaction to Vietnam changed from dismay to love.

Discovering Myself in Vietnam

Photos and text by Annie Nguyen, UC San Diego

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about living in Hanoi, it has to be to never judge this society or any other culture with American standards I’ve grown up with.

In the beginning of this journey way back in the hot dog days of summer in August, I arrived in Hanoi with anxiety, preconceptions of Northerners and Southerners, fear of the Communist government, fear of finding out the truths of the past that belongs to not only my parents but to me as well, fear of being judged as a Viet-kieu who is not fluent in her native language, and fear of being so far away from mom for so long.

I saw a backward, primitive, dusty culture. I saw thin, fragile body frames. I saw dust and trash. I had to squat. I couldn’t digest the uncooked vegetables. I saw contradictions: conservative in some ways, yet outrageous in others. I saw young girls wearing white transparent ao dai as their school uniforms. I saw stares. I saw criticisms. I saw poverty everywhere. I saw closed-mindedness. I saw pain. I saw a war-torn country. I saw a loss of respect for myself as a woman. I saw corruption within the government. I saw a developing country. I saw my family. I saw my grandmother’s grave. I saw my people. My family. My roots. I hated living in Vietnam. I could not stand being here.

"I feel as though the Vietnamese have advanced far more than some developed societies in terms of preserving culture, retaining spirituality and traditions, and applying them in daily life"

But, now, I love it. I can’t articulate what it is I love about Vietnam. I can’t define what it is I appreciate. The hard-workers, the intense history, the survivors, the dark skin, the super thin bodies hovering around my height, the shoulders of steel, the sincere smiles, the faces that accept and enjoy what life has to offer in its simplicity.

Now, I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with coming back home to the States where I’ll be trying to find little jobs here and there to scrounge up every cent I can get during the school year while trying to do my very best during my annual summer full-time gig, trying to be efficient in my gas mileage, trying to deal with the impersonal interactions within society, trying to keep up with my bills, trying to keep up with the endless applications and renewals of this and that to maintain my identity in America, trying to live in a developed, far-advanced country in the technology realm, and trying to be myself again and figure out where I left my niche.

I’m almost scared to leave this culture. I feel as though the Vietnamese have advanced far more than some developed societies in terms of preserving culture, retaining spirituality and traditions, and applying them in daily life. I’m so comfortable with the culture and I’m only at the beginning of understanding my childhood memories shaped by my parents’ upbringing. On the other hand, I’m ready to come home to my family and take a couple of deep breaths to take in all that I have experienced before I turn the key to start that engine again and begin driving forward to the next destination in my life.

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